Author Archives: metamegan

>Words I Hoped to Never Type

>I had to remove food from a child’s nose today. This has always been one of my big parenting fears. A child that puts something in his nose, gets upset, inhales it into his sinus cavity, trip to the emergency room, trauma, etc. Or worse, I have to do what I once read: get them to close their mouth and then suck whatever is stuck in their nose out with your own mouth. Sick, I know. But I needed a backup plan in case we were camping and the terrible situation occurred. I did a lot of planning and worrying about this eventuality as you can tell. Actually, it’s sort of weird that I have always been so worried about this sort of thing because Luke would never, ever put something in his nose. Jack. That sums it up.

But this evening’s experience was actually easy to deal with because it was just noodles, and they were still sort of hanging out. So first I had a minor heart attack when I saw the dangling noodles, then I yanked them out, then I ran and got the bulb sucker and pinned him down to make sure I got everything. I mean, I was pretty sure I got everything, but I sort of thought a little suffering at the hands of the bulb sucker would get the point across.

One parenting fear: Handled.

>Winter Sports

>This is Luke, rocking the half pipe in Sean White Snowboarding. To make it more challenging, I quizzed him on his spelling words while he played, and he did surprisingly well. Of course he had to spell “property” 3 times because I wasn’t actually capable of taking a picture and listening to him spell at the same time.

In other news, for non facebook friends: Jack was playing ball in the basement and when he got the football stuck in the basketball hoop, he said, “Oh no! Strike!”

>Morning Time

>The Characters:
Jack – a toddler.
MetaMegan – A Momma

The Setting: Early Sunday morning. The sun has not yet risen. The scene is bleary, slightly out of focus. A toddler whines in the distance, slowly becoming louder. The scene comes into focus.

“Momma, change my diaper please. I stinky” (Picture a tragically sad toddler face. Filled with regret.)

“OK.” (MetaMegan sniffs, pats his bottom.) “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I stinky. Puh-wheeze change my diaper?” (Looks hopeful.)

“Ok.” (MetaMegan sighs. Heaves Jack out of the crib. Jack runs off and starts playing.)

“Wait! Get back here! Your diaper!”

“No – I not so stinky anymore. I play.”

End scene.

>Bedtime

>”Jack, who do you want to put you to bed? Do you want Mommy to put you to bed or do you want Daddy to put you to bed?”

“Puppy put me to bed.”

>Cake! Cake! Cake!

>Dorm food isn’t often something to get really excited about, but when we were in college, there was one cake that I can still taste 10 years later. (Oh, it’s been more that 10 years?) It was served at our freshmen orientation, and I hoped to see it again soon, but I think that cake was just a ploy to get us to sign up for the 20 meal per week plan. The next time that cake appeared was at the fancy Thanksgiving dinner that was served in the dining hall during finals. My friends and I got dressed up, asked dates, convinced our dates to dress up (they wore ties), and went to that dinner. Who was my date? Not sure, but I know cheated on it with that cake.

I think there was one other day when the cake appeared randomly in the cafeteria, along with the number of calories per serving, and it was henceforth referred to as 2000 calorie cake. I didn’t care, I would have eaten it again, but alas, I moved off campus and the cake became just a sweet, sweet memory. I had only the freshman 15 to remember it by.

Where am I going with this story? Oh, yes. Luke picked a cake out of Sky High for his birthday. Specifically, Triple Layer Fudge Cake. And yes. It is as good, or possibly better than the dorm cake.

From 2010February

I may need to rethink my policy of just following the directions first and hoping it turns out. I don’t know why I can’t make myself just adjust for altitude the first time. I think, “Maybe it will turn out perfectly! If not, I’ll slowly start decreasing the baking powder an eighth of a teaspoon at a time (and slowly start increasing the moisture a tablespoon at a time, etc) every time I make this labor intensive, 2-day’s worth of work cake, and then, after the 90th time I have made it, it will be perfect!”

Well, maybe I will do that. The cake was incredibly delicious, but it sort of sunk in the middle, so I had to fill that in with lots and lots of icing. No one complained, but it seemed like my cake could have been sky higher.

Still – the likeness is uncanny.

From 2010February

>Book Review

>Last month I read The Lacuna, and The Help. The Lacuna dragged and dragged and finally at the end I was like, “Ooooooooooooh. I get it. It’s about how we thought we left McCarthyism behind, but between the media, and the Sarah Palins of the world we are reliving it.”

As for The Help, I have heard a million people say that I need to read it, but I thought they meant, I need to read it like I need to watch An Inconvenient Truth. Like, I should do it, because it’s the right thing to do. But maybe they were saying I should read it because the story is so good, you can’t put it down. It took about a month and $2.40 in late charges to read The Lacuna, and I read The Help in about 27 hours.

>Nuffin

>I left a room and when I returned Jack looked up with a devious look on his face. He said,

“Nuffin.”

“Nuffin, what Jack?”

“Nuffin in my mouf.”

“What was in your mouth that isn’t there now.”

“Um. Cake.”

>7

>Luke’s birthday celebration began a few weeks ago at the Monster Truck Jam. And if you ask him about it, make sure not to call it a Monster Truck Extravaganza, or a Monster Truck Rally. It’s a MONSTER TRUCK JAM!!!

From 2010February

On the actual day of Luke’s birth, we started off at Lucille’s

From 2010February

for a beignets, followed by granola:

From 2010February
From 2010February

Then poor Luke had to begin the extremely long process of waiting for his presents to be wrapped. (Note to people who send unwrapped gifts and then ask me to wrap them… I don’t do the best job sometimes.)

From 2010February

It took a really long time, and Jack had a major meltdown when he found out he wasn’t going to be opening anything. So I had to wrap a box of hot chocolate so he’d have something to open. Luke got very tired of waiting. Lucy tried to make off with a gift.

From 2010February

There were lots of awesome presents.

From 2010February

After that, Luke pretty much played with his presents for the rest of the day while I was in a baking frenzy. I baked a cake for his birthday dessert, cupcakes for his school party and pizzas for dinner.

From 2010February

More about the triple layer fudge cake later – but do I look like the mother of a 7 year old? No, I didn’t think so.

And the cupcakes were “orange cream soda with chocolate straws.”

He had a pretty good day, I think. I told him now that he is 7, I am just going to start calling him “Seven”. You see, John Elway was under consideration as a name for Luke when I was pregnant, and we were going to use 7 as a nickname. If you know Luke, you will know that he did not find that story amusing at all.

>File Under: What Was I Thinking?

>Possible answers: Maybe with a puppy, I didn’t feel like I had enough pee-soaked laundry to fill a whole load? What am I talking about? Oh, I bought some cute underwear for Jack, and after I changed the world’s nastiest diaper, I thought, “Hey! Why not put him in underwear?”

Jack was on a great streak with going to the potty a lot. I’m not sure what happened, but at some point between when we ran out of incentives (chocolate chips) and when we got a puppy, Jack lost interest. But there is nothing like dinner at a nice restaurant to get that boy to want to sit on a potty. And there is nothing like dog patterned, day’s of the week underwear to make me loose my sanity and put Jack into the St. Bernard/Wednesday pattern.

Spoiler alert: This doesn’t “end” well.

But it’s not as bad as it could have been. I had the asparagus in the microwave, and the salmon in the oven, and the boys were playing at the breakfast bar out of nipping puppy range, and Lucy was nipping, and Dave was walking through the room and he said, “What did you say Jack?”

Jack was saying, “I poopin’! I poopin! I poopin!” Fortunately, it was just pee, and now I have laundry to do, and you can thank me for not making a pun involving “load”.